Monday, April 7, 2008

The Hoff made me do it

I broke my own rule. I broke a fragment of the code that shapes my foundation and for that I am troubled. But it wasn't a flippant lack of scruples nor a momentary deficit in sanity. I attribute my violation to the Hoff. I high-fived him.
Most anyone who has ever met me knows that I don't high-five. I would delve into the myriad of reasons I refrain from the useless gesture but I fear disparaging those who actually do choose to lift their hands and arbitrarily whack phalanges, instantly making an awkward moment even more awkward. But I won't. Nor will I talk about my theory that those who habitually high-five may or may not have debilitating interpersonal and intimacy issues so therefore jump hand-first into offering a high-five in various social situations to replace a handshake, a hug goodbye or a hearty and conventionally comfortable verbal "good job." Similarly I refuse to discuss why the other category of high-fivers fall into the "cool guy" group and are generally male, tend to use the word 'dude' a lot and high-five loudly and boisterously in public and then look around to make sure people saw their cool high-five.
So allow me to explain my foundational slip. I was sitting on the outside row near the front of the Orpheum Theater in L.A. during Simon Cowell's "America's Got Talent" audition show. Among the three judges of the show were Sharon Osborne, Ozzy Osborne's red-headed main squeeze, and David Hasselhoff. He was tall, caked with make-up and wearing overly tight jeans. He oozed cheesiness and ego and he started high fiving fans intermittently as he walked down the isle to his judges seat. He came nearer and nearer to me and I wasn't prepared to handle what happened next. His arm was raised, standing next to me. I started to raised my hand and that was all I remember. I must have blacked out for a few seconds but the slight sting on my palm stood as proof of my profound self-betrayal.
So for those of you who at one time looked at me as a pillar of conviction I offer a sincere apology and my intention to never let it happen again. The Hoff had taken momentary control with an uncanny power to which I was not yet immune. But I am prepared now. For those who kindly choose to remain my friends, I thank you.