Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Best gift reaction....

My brother Braden, AKA one of the funniest people I know, has wanted an iPod Touch for about a year or so. It all started when I got my iPhone and every time I was with him he insisted on being my "assistant" and taking my calls and sending texts for me just so he could have its greatness in his little mitts. Well I drew his name for Christmas this year and ended up getting him the Touch. But I sorrowfully told him that times were tough for me this season and not to expect anything amazing, hence his staged over excitement when he initially unwraps it and finds one of my old DH shirts. Hahahaha. If you know Braden you will love this...

Thursday, December 10, 2009


Dear Skinny Guy With The Inappropriately Short Shorts At The Gym Yesterday,

I am going to call you Chad. See reason here. Because Planet Fitness is a "judgment-free zone" I may get in trouble for making this assessment. But I am going to go out on a limb here and say, based on your attire, and the fact that you were wandering around aimlessly for 10 minutes before you annoyingly plopped on the treadmill right next to me, that you aren't really a gym guy. My money says you probably just started going to the gym this week, and maybe yesterday was actually your very first time. I get it. But Chad, you broke some rules. First of all, the staring. Chad. You can't wander around and stare at people as they are working out. I will even give you the benefit of the doubt here and say that you were only staring to maybe learn some things like how to lift a barbell and how to start a treadmill. Sure. But staring is staring. And gym staring is still REALLY frowned upon and you could get punched. I am guessing you probably wouldn't take a punch well. So stop. Secondly, you know how there are unwritten rules about guys in urinals? Well the same concept loosely applies on treadmills. If you have a completely open row of treadmills you don't get on the one RIGHT NEXT to someone. You at least allow one machine in between you. It's about space. And that awkward look that I gave you when you ignored the empty row and got on the one next to me? Yeah, that wasn't because I was going on an incline of six and straining. (I know you probably noticed my speed and incline when you were closely and inappropriately eying my settings after you got on.) That was because I was really bugged and appalled. And finally, Chad, the shorts. Now I don't want to judge your taste in clothes. It is the gym and you should be free to throw on whatever. But the shorts have got to go. Not only did the whites of your guy thighs singe my retinas, but I saw that you headed for the mat after your seven minutes on the treadmill. Chad, I don't know what you were doing on those mats over there but if you laid down or sat down....ummm...I guarantee some things were.....ummm exposed. Nobody wins when that happens, Chad. Nobody. A few more extra inches of fabric would definitely help you side-step traumatizing innocent people who are just wanting to get their stretch on on the mats. Thanks for your cooperation.


The Anti-Guy Thigh Board

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

I was there...

I had almost forgotten about this game until my little bro showed me this was on youtube. It's been lauded as the best high school basketball game ever played. Ever. The last few seconds of this double over-time championship game my senior year made national news as well as Sports Illustrated seen here. I remember almost passing out from stress and excitement and then my best friend Ange jumping on me at the end screaming "a five-pointer!" True story. The coach summed it up perfectly that year in his yearbook quote: "We made Hoosiers look like a melodrama." Strap in.

Monday, December 7, 2009

I'd rather........

I would rather:
- Stub my pinky toe against a cinder block
- Get a flat tire on the freeway
- Be forced to eat a bite of rare steak
- Watch four back to back CW teen shows
- Roll my ankle (minor)
- and get cavity filled
.....than clean this....

Any volunteers?

Thursday, December 3, 2009


I have never been a subject to rage. Sure things get me ticked once it a while but rarely have a had that vein-popping rage feeling. At least since I lived across the hall from my brother, Trevor, that is. Back then veins were popping, fist were flying and glass was breaking frequently, but I contribute that to uncontrolled adolescent emotion. Nonetheless, a couple nights I thought I was going to have a rage coronary and maybe do some property damage. I was settling down for a luxurious slumber in my new bed, Alejandro, at like 3 a.m, so I was REALLY tired. Anyway just as I was about to slide into dream state I heard a chirp that annoyingly jolted me from my "floating" state. That smoke detector chirp is undeniable but since I had been well on my way to a REM cycle I figured it could have been a dream. I started to slip again...sinking...warmth....then floating...then...CHIRP! DAMMIT!! Not a dream. The thing about my bedroom is there is all these "fun" angles on the ceiling. A lower part you can almost touch, then about a 9 ft part and then half of it is vaulted. And of course, at the top of the vault was where the @#$%! smoke detector was. So in order to reach it I would have to go into the freezing cold garage and get the giant ladder. I had not the will or the strength to do it so I battled sleep all night, and woke up exhausted the next day. Luckily my 6'1" baby brother was staying with me and I made him hop on the giant ladder and get the the thing down and change the battery. And even HE had a hard time reaching it. Well the following night was a late one too. And as I was about to sink into sweet slumber I hear it. CHIRP! #&$@!&*@%#$@!!%@^#%^! I knew it wasn't a dream and all I knew is I wanted it destroyed. Even if I had to put a hole in my ceiling to do it. My brother was gone so even if I wanted to go get the ladder and try to fix it I still wouldn't be able to reach it, since he could barely get to it. In the calms between the fits of rage, I silently pleaded with it to just stop. But then the piercing chirp would sound and the throwing would again commence. I threw pillows, my remote, my water bottle, a camera case and my my yoga ball, but nothing would make it SHUT UP. I tried sleeping in the living room but it was too cold, so I went back to resume battle with the smoke detector. I contemplated setting my room on fire just so the full alarm would go off and I could at least escape the incessant chirping. I contemplated time travel, going back in time and finding the guy that invented smoke detectors and chopping his pinkies off. I think it was probably arm exhaustion that made me finally close my eyes. The next morning I was laying on my side, facing the door, which happens to be the lowest part of the ceiling in my room, when the chirp jolted me awake again. When I opened my eyes the first thing I saw was on that small part of low ceiling, yet another smoke detector, flashing red. It's not like I didn't know it was there. I see it all the time. It's so low it's practically in your face and I can reach it on my tip toes. Of course it was that one that was making the sound, I was just so blinded by rage the night before that logic failed to kick in. It took me about a minute to get that chirper down, and change the battery. I don't think the word "stupid" can even even do this situation justice. How I got a college degree, I will never know.