Thursday, December 10, 2009


Dear Skinny Guy With The Inappropriately Short Shorts At The Gym Yesterday,

I am going to call you Chad. See reason here. Because Planet Fitness is a "judgment-free zone" I may get in trouble for making this assessment. But I am going to go out on a limb here and say, based on your attire, and the fact that you were wandering around aimlessly for 10 minutes before you annoyingly plopped on the treadmill right next to me, that you aren't really a gym guy. My money says you probably just started going to the gym this week, and maybe yesterday was actually your very first time. I get it. But Chad, you broke some rules. First of all, the staring. Chad. You can't wander around and stare at people as they are working out. I will even give you the benefit of the doubt here and say that you were only staring to maybe learn some things like how to lift a barbell and how to start a treadmill. Sure. But staring is staring. And gym staring is still REALLY frowned upon and you could get punched. I am guessing you probably wouldn't take a punch well. So stop. Secondly, you know how there are unwritten rules about guys in urinals? Well the same concept loosely applies on treadmills. If you have a completely open row of treadmills you don't get on the one RIGHT NEXT to someone. You at least allow one machine in between you. It's about space. And that awkward look that I gave you when you ignored the empty row and got on the one next to me? Yeah, that wasn't because I was going on an incline of six and straining. (I know you probably noticed my speed and incline when you were closely and inappropriately eying my settings after you got on.) That was because I was really bugged and appalled. And finally, Chad, the shorts. Now I don't want to judge your taste in clothes. It is the gym and you should be free to throw on whatever. But the shorts have got to go. Not only did the whites of your guy thighs singe my retinas, but I saw that you headed for the mat after your seven minutes on the treadmill. Chad, I don't know what you were doing on those mats over there but if you laid down or sat down....ummm...I guarantee some things were.....ummm exposed. Nobody wins when that happens, Chad. Nobody. A few more extra inches of fabric would definitely help you side-step traumatizing innocent people who are just wanting to get their stretch on on the mats. Thanks for your cooperation.


The Anti-Guy Thigh Board


Tracy said...

I love your writing... you always make me laugh out loud or at least snicker snort as the case may be.
I miss your face, and hope you are well.
Merry Christmas!!

Clint and Elle Stallings said...

You hilarious!

Clint and Elle Stallings said...

Merry Christmas!

Anonymous said...

I must say I do sometimes take a glimpse at the display on the person beside me when I am rowing just to see how I am doing in terms strokes per minute and distance covered. Does this make me a bad person.

BTW there are only two rowing machines and I am always on the right one. I will let you guess who my imaginary competitor is on the right. Hint: he has too much hair gel and talks of the most beautiful woman in the world. And yes, my blood is boiling now.

Jacelle said...

Dave, I am sure you could out-row him, out-run him, and for sure out-swim him in the waters of our great mother......but....could you out-dance him? (your look)

OVA AFO an Awakening Long Overdue said...

First of all I knew finally joining your blogs would be funny. But dang sis yo'boy was off the chain oka... I could totally hear your voice, imagine your face and if you were the one to throw a punch. I fo'sho wouldn't want to be that guy..hahahaha love it