Monday, February 28, 2011


She is smart, stunningly beautiful, and hilarious. She is also certifiably the worst parker in the world. Hahaha. And no she was not drunk.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Why can't I be...

I've never really wanted to be somebody else. I think that's partly because I have been lucky enough to have a pretty good life and partly because, after close scrutiny of those I may possibly want to be, I inevitably find flaws or challenges that I would rather not have to deal. I think that is my mind's natural response to avoid the feeling of envy, but if that's the case it sure failed me this morning. I was watching 20/20 on my while I was getting ready this morning and saw something that has irrevocably changed me forever......

...I want to be her. I want to have her life. I have wanted to be a mermaid my entire life. I grow my hair out for the sole purpose of being able to skinny dip and have my locks cover the girls. I am completely in love with the ocean and NEVER get tired of being in the water. Sure I can dive and be under for hours. But dive gear is a bit restrictive. You can't effortlessly cut through the water looking staggeringly beautiful with a sparkly sleek tail and gossamer fins. She is amazing and feel slighted that I am not her.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

It's time....

My Dearest February,
I think it's time we end this. It's not you, it's me...and a little bit you. You are a great month. You have been a stepping stone in my life from winter to spring and thus have been a pretty important space of time. But I really can't live this lie anymore, pretending everything is ok with us. It's not. You play with my emotions, you are hot and cold, you make me feel fat and pasty and I never know where I stand with you. I don't know whether or not I should wear boots or sandals. From one hour to the next I don't know if I should work out outside or go to the gym, rake leaves or shovel snow and you force me to wear bronzer. Not ever knowing what to expect from you is exhausting and I think it's time I move on (and by move on I mean get back with you in 24 hours and then break up for good in two weeks - the first one never takes). We will always have our memories...V-day (which was excellent this year), Jazz games, the Globetrotters and soup. You were always a good month for soup.


Your soon-to-be ex, who was never really all that committed in the first place.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Will you accept this .... blogpost?

Some take-aways so far from The Bachelor

- ABC's glaring lack of ethnic diversity on this show is really starting to get ridiculous and maybe even embarassing.

- Daddy issues are highly unattractive in men in their mid-30s, despite having 3 percent body fat, an 8-pack, broad bronzed shoulders and an ass that won't quit.

- I think the Bachelors they put on the show are getting dumber and dumber

- I don't get the crying. I mean sure, after a while leaving would suck because you are leaving girls that you made friends with, and you are being rejected. But crying because you just really liked him or your "heart is broken?" I mean these are grown women. Like 30 year old women. Do they cry after the guy they go out with once or twice doesn't call them back? Probably not. So then how does the same concept not apply here?

- Girls that talk about other girls, especially talk about the other girls to the Bachelor, NEVER win. EVER. They rarely even come close. So why, after a decade of this show, do we still have girls on it that run their mouths. Why?

- No amount of hotness is going to make up for crazy.... in the long run.

- Apparently if you are boobless you don't win. Nor do you win if you have short hair. Or red hair. And if you are a girl of color, you don't make it past the first round or you are not on the show period. If you are a male of color (and by color I mean a Latin lover, then you have a better chance.

- As a general rule the Bachelors seem to be bigger tools than the Bachelorettes that are on the show.

- It's getting to the point that the "drama" on the shows are so obviously contrived by producers that it's not even drama to me (but still I can't stop watching)

- So far, after a decade only 16 percent of the Bachelors and Bachelorettes actually get married. Yet how has it maintained its cred as this proposal/marriage show when we all know it probably won't happen.

- Chris Harrison. Why. I noticed he is trying to mix up his outfits this season and wear funky shirts and "cooler clothes." Go for it. But at then end of the day you are still Chris Harrison, still the guy that needlessly points out how many roses are left every other minute when it is already painfully obvious, and yes, still the guy that hits a champagne flute with a knife to get peoples attention. Yep. You are still that guy, no matter what print is on your shirt.

"Ah know, but ah luvem daddy!"

I am sick with one gnarly cold. Nothing new for this glorious winter of super-viruses, but today I had only the energy to watch a Teen Mom 2 marathon. I am obsessed with that show - no idea why. Maybe because raw stupidity is entertaining. Maybe because the small town hair-dos and poor grammar takes me back to my years in high school living in Idaho, or maybe, when I am feeling down in the dumps, it's a reminder that it can always get worse. Who knows. But here are some take-aways from today's six-hour marathon.

- Lip studs only look like mutant moles. No exception
- Chewing tobacco is beyond sick and I am baffled that people still do it.
- When teens chew tobacco it makes me sad. Then angry. Then sad again.
- If your hair is curly, but you straighten a bang or two in the front.... we can still see it's curly. And if you meant to do that, well, then that just makes me sad...again.
- If you are going to cry on network television, make sure you don't cry ugly.
- If they established "You can't change him" classes for girls in high school, it would sidestep a lot of laughable stupidity. Then again, the "wrap it up" class obviously didn't do that much good so...
- If you send douchy text messages or say douchy things, they are going to look at least 4.25 times more douchy on network television. Maybe show some restraint.