Thursday, May 1, 2008

PEEVES!!!!!!!

Ok so Amelia's post got me so friffed up that I needed to add a few pet peeves of my own to her very agreeable list of annoyances....

SNIFFERS — People who are two inches away from a box of tissues or who could easily go to the restroom and ummm, clear out the sinuses but instead choose to sit there and sniff, making the gurgley, mucus-y sound that all but gives you a visual of the goo that is no doubt running down their throat.

HIGH FIVERS — see previous blog entry

PAPER CUTS — The most insulting of injuries. How can such a simple and barely visible slit cause such nagging pain? The least they could do was bleed significantly. It's a slap in the face if you ask me.

BOX ELDER BUGS — These are the little jerks of the bug family. They don't bite, they don't sting and they don't really offend. But they are there.... and everywhere, in the late fall. But when you kill them you feel like a bully because they never really did anything to you. So they annoy you to act rashly and then when you smash them you feel bad about yourself. They play mind games and it's unacceptable.

CLOSE-TALKERS — It's a self explanatory term and we all know them. The ones I know always seem to be shorter than me so I feel like they are looking up my nose. They make you want to climb the wall, but most of them are crafty and rarely is there an escape. I swear they linger near elevators.


PEOPLE ASKING WHAT YOU ARE EATING
(made even worse when asked by a close talker) - I don't know that I have EVER in my life cared what someone else ordered, made, or brought for a meal. But there are always those people who can spot you from 3 miles away and will fight fire and dragons to come over and say "watcha got there?" Two things. a) you have eyes...look down and see for yourself. Why do I have to tell you when it is clearly evident. b) Why do you care? Do you want some? Did you need a bite? Are you going to run out and whip up the exact same thing? If the answer is no to all the above then why do you care. And while we are on the subject.... saying mmmmmmm after you find out what I am eating is for what? Is it your stamp of approval? Am I suppose to say thanks or give you an agreeable thumbs up? I don't know what you want and I don't understand you people so I thank you to keep your distance.


OVER PRONOUNCED Rs and OVER-USED GLOTTAL STOPS — I may as well have just said the Cache Valley or Central Utah accent but I am nothing if not specific. This is a hard one to explain...I suppose it is how the Supreme Court defined obscenity: you know it when you see it ( or hear it in this case). But I gar'ntee that if you go to a local gas station in rural Idaho or Utah or talk to the townies in Logan you are going to hear the over-pronounce Rs and glottal stops. The latter of the two is somewhat easier to define. Webster says a glottal stop is "a speech sound articulated by a momentary, complete closing of the glottis in the back of the throat." Some choose to use it to replace Ts all together...its commonly used in the terms eatin', moun'n, Layt'n, hunt'n, beat'n. You get the point. The glottal stop over-users also are prone to pronouncing the days of the week like Mondee, Tuesdee, Wednesdee etc.

PARENTS WHO THINK THAT YOU THINK THEIR CHILDREN, WHO ARE HOLY TERRORS, ARE CUTE — OK, so you are in the shopping line and some crappy looking kid with popsicle-stained cheeks and a boogery nose is right behind you "standing" with his "mother." He then grabs a hold of the cart and pushes it into your butt. You alarmingly turn around and you get this calm, knowing look from the mom...a look that says "isn't he so cute, he's just at that age where they slam carts into your thigh." She then expects you to return the knowing look that says "oh kids, they are just a treasure, don't worry about the already-developing contusion he just inflicted....assault on perfect strangers is just a part of childhood." Well Momma....you are never going to get that look, not from me. If I had it my way you wouldn't bring Junior out in public until he was 12 and even then on a limited basis. But if you must, I thank you to not assume that I share your oblivious and blind endearment of your child's poor behavior.

I could go on but like Amelia I am too riled. Please feel free to share your own...

7 comments:

amelia said...

THIS IS AWESOME. Especially the kids one because it just happened to me. A mom was letting her 3-4? year-old run wild in the check-out line...and then he sneezed all over the little converyer belt...like HUGE SNOT ALL over the belt and the mom just laughs, goes "Oh, that was such a great sneeze!!! Good job honey!!!" Then (thankfully) asked the checker for a tissue so she could clean the mess up.

How could you miss a whole category on lingerers?! It got a brief mention, but that is one of your ultimate pet peeves!

Aaron Falk said...

My apologies, once more, for the high-five attempt. For what it's worth, I was doing it ironically.

By the way, in print, "Aaron, Aaron Falk" actually looks pretty bad ass. Like James Bond or some shit — only sort of redneck.

Joe said...

Aaron,
You don't have to apologize to her. Once I found out she high-fived the Hoff, I've made it my mission to high-five her whenever I can.

Also, Tiffany. I wanted a bite. And my new pet peeve is that whenever I ask someone what she is eating and the very-much-wished-for bite is not forthcoming, I become peeved. Hear me roar, world!

Jacelle said...

oh ya joe....I just remembered another one of my pet peeves are people who dye their beards....go ahead and take a bite of that....

doug said...

!!!!!!! This is one of the most-brilliantly composed pieces of work I have ever read! Fantastic! "Assault on a perfect stranger is just a part of childhood." Good stuff! Amazing! Bravo!

...even though I have a hunch I may have asked you "whatcha got there?" a time or two. I have a tendency to do that...

Ted & Amanda said...

Did you ever stop to think that people ask what you're eating so they can get it the next day or make it that night??? That's what I do :).... My biggest pet peeve is rich people who think the world owes them something because they have money; treat you like your a servant, and yell at you when you don't break the rules for them, but want you to enforce the rules on everyone else. Bunch of frucking snobbish pricks and bitches!

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