I did a small favor for an acquaintance of mine who I don't really know that well. We've known of each other for quite some time and my willingness to help her out (even though it wasn't a big deal at all) yielded pounds of praise of what a good person I am. My "aww shucks" response only resulted in even more compliments on my ethics and lily-white character. I have no idea why but it made me feel a bit deceptive that someone can think so highly of me, or say they do, when I have a list of rather formidable indiscretions. So to purge that nagging feeling I will confess them here:
1. I once bumped a car and didn't leave a note because I decided the scratch was too small for anyone to notice.
2. I give slow driving old people dirty looks. At one time, unbeknownst to me before it was too late, it was my grandparents.
3. In Hawaii when we went snorkeling I would lure fish near me with peas and then punch them.
4. In high school I was party to the federal crime of blowing up mailboxes of random people, chosen only for their elaborate boxes.
5. I lie to suitors I am not interested in.
6. In the 6th grade my brother and I would sneak up on this park caretaker and steel his tools.
7. I have started telling the homeless at Wal-mart who ask for money that I only have a card, when in fact I generally do have a few bucks.
8. I have read e-mails of past lovers.
9. I've called in sick when I just wanted to go to the pool.
10. I've two-timed
11. I've dodged and hid from nice people I know just so I don't have to hold a conversation.
12. When I was 5 years-old I didn't water the cats like I was supposed to and they ended up going to the horse trough and one drowned.
13. On my watch nine plants and six goldfish have also died. Watering and tank cleaning is not my forte.
14. I bludgeoned a mouse to death with a shampoo bottle. (still hard to talk about)
15. In Tijuana I only buy Chicklets from the cute kids. If they aren't I usually keep walking.
K. Now I actually feel worse but at least its out. Make me feel better and share.