Friday, August 27, 2010

Rated R for Sexual Situations

It's probably the sickest thing that has happened to me since the orange incident of 2004. But by sharing it and getting it out in the open I hope to release some of the horror that I am suffering through with the hourly flashbacks. Yesterday I was trimming the lavender in my flower beds (yes I am officially 65) and I looked down and saw two giant praying mantises having praying mantis sex on my forearm. Clearly they were exhibitionists because she was actively crawling up my arm with him on top. I freaked out and tossed them off. But from their dirty dirty deed they left this thick yellow-white mucus on my arm and right hand...and handle of my trimmers....and shirt... and shorts. It was every where. EVERYWHERE. And there was so... much.. of ..it. (Pause and deep breath) My stomach was turning and I wanted to scream but my neighbor was like 10 feet away getting into her car and I didn't want to cause alarm. But those dirty bugs just kept right on doing it. As my world was falling apart, still mounted, they started crawling up the side of the house, probably for maximum visibility for their sick voyeuristic bug friends. My silver lining, I thought, was that I would be able to see her rip his head off (as lore has it) after they were done. Nope. They just went about their business after. Damn progressives. Just be warned. It's the end of the summer and mantis love is in the air. If you see a mantis couple mounted flee immediately because I am pretty sure they are going to try and get you involved. And its NOT pretty.

5 comments:

saintlai said...

hahahaha! Gross yet hilarious!

Caribbean Sunshine said...

HA HA HA - you, like Tori, write descriptively well. Peabody Award Applause!

amelia said...

I AM GAGGING. Praying mantis spunk on your arm? EWWWWW.

a_filimoeatu said...

hahahaha!!! that is too funny...yet...totally gross!!... I would have squashed them....

jules said...

BAAAHAAHAHAH!!! "they started crawling up the side of the house, probably for maximum visibility for their sick voyeuristic bug friends..." LOL. this is why i love you. only you could have put it so eloquently....
it doesnt take a genius to tell u mantis jizz is a sure fire way to ruin someones day...