Friday, June 3, 2011
"Just remember, bee yourself".....unless yourself is an overreacting idiot
Annoyed I was slightly dozing during the lonnnnng introduction to the conference keynote speaker. How you would need an introduction for the person who is going to introduce the keynote is beyond me. If I had to guess, there were probably a thousand or so people in this massive ballroom at the Mascone Center in San Fancisco for the speech. So to avoid the crowd, I opted to sit in the middle of the very sparsely populated rows on the perimeter of the room. People don't generally move to the middle of a row, you know. They see a completely emptily row or bench and plop down on the outside, forcing the awkward "crawl over" on people wanting to get to a vacant seat inside the row. It baffles me, but I've seen it a hundred times at church, school and work, this conference being no exception. Sure enough, a minute after I claimed a seat in the middle two older men capped the row taking the end seats. It was good though because with half a dozen perfectly empty rows in front of me I figured it granted me the the ability to sprawl out and spread my stuff out on the chairs around me. But a couple of loud morons ruined that when they, two women in stuffy pants suits undermined by the ample cleavage they were rockin, climbed over the men and sat their generously proportioned asses a seat away from me. I saw the two men looking around just like I was, searching for a reason why, with so many empty rows, did these two feel the need to be right up on us. So, I allowed myself to doze, calming my annoyance with the overly perfumed morons and their mind-numbing convo about why orange juice pulp is icky. A few minutes passed and the long drawn out intros had just gotten over when I felt a violent shove. Moron #1 was practically on my lap and staring, horrified, at a bee that was crawling on the back of the seat in front of her. People were staring and I was still trying to figure out what the big deal was when the damn bee started to take flight. Moron #1 then jumped off my lap/shoulder and attempted to run mindlessly down the row. With no regard to my feet, knees or bags, she tripped immediately over my legs, landing on top of my knees as if she was due for a spanking (or a paddlin' as my mom would say.) Even so, she was still not far enough away from the bee so she started air-swimming/crawling with her legs doing flutter kicks on my knees and then, after getting off my lap, loudly grabbing the backs of chairs, tripping, falling, and then getting up again, all the while whimpering like she was being chased by a killer. She was so loud that the keynote, who happened to be the Under Secretary of Education, stopped her address and said "Is everything ok over there? Do we need to check that out?" Conference officials quickly came over and calmed her in hushed tones and eventually she returned to her seat. I figured since she had practically given me a lap dance we were familiar enough for me to ask if she was ok. But it came out, "Are you allergic to bees or something?" "No." she said. "I was just scared."