Leavin' on a jet plane

I am headed to the South Pacific today. I'll return in two weeks. I am going to swim, sail, SCUBA, snorkel, eat, kiss, tan, and sleep. Email me if you want to reach out and touch.

Confessions.....

I did a small favor for an acquaintance of mine who I don't really know that well. We've known of each other for quite some time and my willingness to help her out (even though it wasn't a big deal at all) yielded pounds of praise of what a good person I am. My "aww shucks" response only resulted in even more compliments on my ethics and lily-white character. I have no idea why but it made me feel a bit deceptive that someone can think so highly of me, or say they do, when I have a list of rather formidable indiscretions. So to purge that nagging feeling I will confess them here:

1. I once bumped a car and didn't leave a note because I decided the scratch was too small for anyone to notice.
2. I give slow driving old people dirty looks. At one time, unbeknownst to me before it was too late, it was my grandparents.
3. In Hawaii when we went snorkeling I would lure fish near me with peas and then punch them.
4. In high school I was party to the federal crime of blowing up mailboxes of random people, chosen only for their elaborate boxes.
5. I lie to suitors I am not interested in.
6. In the 6th grade my brother and I would sneak up on this park caretaker and steel his tools.
7. I have started telling the homeless at Wal-mart who ask for money that I only have a card, when in fact I generally do have a few bucks.
8. I have read e-mails of past lovers.
9. I've called in sick when I just wanted to go to the pool.
10. I've two-timed
11. I've dodged and hid from nice people I know just so I don't have to hold a conversation.
12. When I was 5 years-old I didn't water the cats like I was supposed to and they ended up going to the horse trough and one drowned.
13. On my watch nine plants and six goldfish have also died. Watering and tank cleaning is not my forte.
14. I bludgeoned a mouse to death with a shampoo bottle. (still hard to talk about)
15. In Tijuana I only buy Chicklets from the cute kids. If they aren't I usually keep walking.

K. Now I actually feel worse but at least its out. Make me feel better and share.

F

I’ll never learn. So My BFF Angelina flew in this weekend for a restful vacation that included plans to go to a spa, watch Mama Mia, laugh, eat good food and see Les Miserables in St. George at the Tuacahn Amphitheater. I am not really a planner but given the 8 hour drive we had on Friday I knew we had little wiggle room. I thought I had it perfectly figured out. She flew in at 4:30. So I would pick her up a 4:35 p.m. (she carried on) and we would be out of the Salt Lake Valley right before the 5 p.m. rush, giving us a solid 3 hours and 45 minutes to bomb it to St. George. But I forgot one vital issue. It’s 2008, the Murphy’s Law year, remember? Among half a dozen other things, it has been really bad for travel i.e. two delays, a cancelation, a car accident and a missed flight. Similarly it’s been really bad for interactions with law enforcement i.e. three pull-overs for various license plate violations and a rather high speeding ticket that I declined traffic school for since I vowed I would not get another and my insurance would only find out if they had reason to run my history like getting in a wreck or buying a new car. (I know now this convenient and twisted rational borders hilarity in retrospect, but it seemed logical at the time).
So, that all being said, I should have known this plan was doomed. Even so I was extra careful, making sure we wouldn’t be late, planning routes, doing everything ahead of time and being prepared to take off the minute Ange stepped foot outside the airport. Well apparently the freeways suck as early as 4 p.m. because we were doing stop and go while merging from the 215 to the 15. So we were a bit behind and it had to be made up on the road. I am constantly hearing stories of people getting nabbed on the freeway between Salt Lake and St. George so I tried to use discretion in areas where I had heard there were camper cops. But DAMN Millard County. Nailed at 91 mph. I swear that cop had dug a hole, covered himself with shrubs and waited for me. He came out of nowhere. Anyway that delayed us a bit, which meant I had to make up even more time on the road. I was using the GPS to indicate what time we would arrive and when it was all said and done I had shaved off quite a bit of time, but we were still around 15 minutes late. As we were looking for the turn to go to the theater we passed another cop who claimed he clocked me going 48 in a 35, however said that “visually” I was going over 50 mph. Whatever the hell that means. I asked him to cut me a break which only pissed him off more and he ticketed me but indicated he was doing us a favor by opting to “lead” us to the theater going approx. 9.4 mph in front of us for another 4 miles. Oh, and did I mention my gas light had been on for a good 25 miles and the needle was lower than I had ever seen it? So by the time we got there we were about 30 minutes late but they started late so we didn’t miss much. It took a few songs before I could finally relax and just enjoy it but by intermission it was all good. Nonetheless, now that our little five days of fun in the sun is over I am dealing with how I am going to handle this black eye on my driving record…okay, umm black eye, split lip and dislocated jaw. Maybe 2008 will also see the revocation of my driver’s license. Neat.

Why EVERYONE should read this book.....

I recently gave it a read for the second time, well half reading and half listening to it via audio-book on my iPod. Though I had read the book a couple years back, I thought I would do it again given that he could be the next president. It's no secret. I have a love and admiration for Barack Obama that borders on an inappropriate crush. I like his politics, his positive outlook, his wife, his fairness and his courage. But that is not the reason I think everyone should read it. During election campaigns candidate issues and platforms get muddied by irrelevant nonsense blown up in the media i.e. he's old, he's young, he swore, he didn't wear a pin, he's black, his wife looks plastic, her husband did it with an intern, and his reverend is racist. But "The Audacity of Hope" is a straight-forward look at Obama's ideals, values and insights and provides explanations on where he is coming from and why. Among many other things, he talks about health care, immigration, education, welfare, race, religion and family. You don't have to agree with him, in fact he fairly acknowledges those who don't and why. But it helps you get to know him as not just as a rock-starish political figure but as the normal guy, the father, the husband, and the American citizen. And more importantly, for those critics, his views may not differ from your own as much as you originally thought. Give it a read, or come over and I will let you put the audio book on your iPod. If anything you will come away a little more prepared to cast your vote.

River of Tears

My 2008 has pretty much subscribed to the provisions of Murphy's Law, "If anything can go wrong, it will." Of late, I have basically accepted it. So the fact that I actually thought I could float down the #@$#&!! Provo River without a hitch was a naive sentiment, bordering on moronic. If I were to review the events of those four harrowing hours in deserved detail this entry would be a small novel, so I will condense the chapters.

Chap 1: Lambs and Flowers
We went to the river in high spirits ready to take on the day, be sun kissed by the flawless sky and have some good clean fun with old and new friends. Since I have never floated a river before my M.O. was "When in Rome" and since about half of the "Romans" were going barefoot, I did the same.

Chap 2: Ummm Crap?
We didn't have a plan. Instead, some of us had preconceived notions that we would be slowly making our way down a lazy river with friendly banks and a few exciting "bumps" every once in a while. Even as I was getting into the river I grossly underestimate the malevolent current that tossed me into a side of a bridge about 1.2 minutes after I got in the water. The water was only shoulder to waste-deep but it didn't matter since the current forbade me to stand, stop or get back on my tube. Instead it dragged my legs feet and toes over rocks and I could do nothing about it. When I would try to put my feet in front of me to stop I would just go through a series of toe-stubbing, resulting in torn and broken toe-nails. Either way it was incredibly painful, and on top of that the water was roughly the same temperature as the water that comes out of the door in my fridge. So breathing was hard. I don't know if it was the water temperature or the drum roll taking place on my legs that hindered breathing, but either way all I could do was gasp. I can't tell you how long this lasted. My legs, which today look like a bruised banana, if given voice would say something around 10 minutes. But it was probably closer to five minutes when the current slammed me into a spiky large bush/tree where, after being stabbed a few times, I was able to grab a branch and finally stand up.

Chap 3: Crap
While the branch by the side of the river granted sweet relief from being stoned, it presented another large problem. The current was still really strong and my tube, which was closed off on the bottom, had flipped upside down. I had a hold of the branch with one hand and the handle of the tube with another but the current was so strong, and was also filling the inside of the tube with water, that I couldn't pull it back, nor could I flip it back over with one hand.
So I just stood there stretched out like I was on the rack with the river rocks torturing my feet. I had NO idea what to do. Everyone I was with had floated by me, just as helpless as I was, so there I stood for maybe another 6-8 minutes. With no other options I finally just let go and went back to the river-bottom torture for another two minutes until I came to a calmer more shallow part of the River. I was bleeding, numb and alone but at least I wasn't being dragged. If I could have gotten out of there I would have. But the bank was covered in bushes and trees and there was no way. So I got back on my tube and headed down the river, bracing for the next bout of hell.

Chap 4: My Knights
After floating solo for about a half-hour I saw another fellow loner in the river and as I got closer I saw that it was Josh. It was like Christmas. He had gotten out to wait for me at one point and then was slowing his pace until I caught up. He had had his own river drama and got separated from the rest of the group but had gotten a large stick that doubled as an ore and also helped guide his direction using the river bottom. We hadn't gone far together when we saw Dave. He had capsized going through a particularly rough slab of river and had done the worst: lost his tube. So there he was at the river’s edge - barefoot alone and tubeless. We paddled over to him (we could because it was a calmer spot), got out and stood at the bottom of the steep bank trying to decide what was next. Screw it. We're walkin.

Chap 5: Naked hiking.
It's no secret. I don't look the best in a bathing suit, so I try and only wear them for the intended use of swimming and laying out. I don't walk around in them for kicks, and I certainly don't hike or climb in them. But I didn't have much choice. The river bank was a good 25 feet up and I was climbing it barefoot with a tube. I felt totally naked, but luckily the pain of being scratched and poked by the native weeds and bushes took my focus off the fact that I was climbing on all fours with my formidable booty in the air for fellow floaters to get a good look at along with my rapidly forming wedgy. Dave and Josh pulled me up once I got close to the top and after our bare feet made it through another 20 feet of rocks and stickers, we were on a smoother 4-wheeler trail. As we started hoofin' it down the road problem #432 presented itself. Even though the path was much softer, the hot gray dirt was burning our feet to the point that walking in the pokey brush was just as comfortable. Enter: David.

Chap 6: Swaddling Clothes
He burns easily. Since Dave forgot to put sunscreen on he decided to deprive the females on the river by wearing a t-shirt so he wouldn't burn. I don't know if was my whining or his own foot pain but out of nowhere he stopped walking, ripped off his shirt and said. "I'm gonna make some shoes for you." It was genius. He shredded his shirt into strips and Josh fashioned them into sandals on my feet.
Dave made himself a pair, and Josh made his own out of his bandana and what was left of Dave's shirt. And so we continued on in discomfort, but not pain, for another 15 minutes or so until some river goers shouted to us that if we had lost a tube, one of their buddies had it and was coming down right behind them. Though the makeshift shoes alleviated a lot of pain we still jumped at the idea of giving our feet a break - even if it meant getting back into that #$%*&@&#^@&*#! river. We found a way to get back down to the bank at a place that we also discovered was the shoe graveyard. Shoes for everyone!! Albeit mismatched, Josh found a pair of flip flops for him and Dave, while I strapped on a lone Croc on top of my swaddling shoes. We stepped back into the river pain-free with all three tubes and were ready to go. But Dave wasn't having it. "I'm not getting back in this river."

Chap 7: He Took a Few for the Team
Josh and I left Dave with his new shoes on the bank and made our way back into the river while Dave said he would meet us at the end via the trail. The two of us latched on to each other and Josh navigated our pitiful two-tube vessel around jutting rocks, dead trees and branches. We were fine until the bridge.
Damn the bridge.
The water was really rough right before the bridge and we were moving fast. There were four walls holding the bridge up and we were trying to make it through the middle slot without hitting. No dice. Josh hit it first we exchanged a glance that conveyed both panic and resignation right before I hit him. His body and tube soften my blow but he wasn't so lucky. With the same look he let go of his tube, made an attempt to push me on through, and then disappeared momentarily in the churning ice water under the bridge. It was there that he got a bloody goose egg on the front of his leg and a few more bruises and scratches but at least he recovered his tube. He was shivering, with some chips gone from his spirit, but after a few minutes was back latched to my side. I think it was there that I may or may not have told him that a part of me would love him for the rest of my life. Or it could have been after the second disaster, when we were attacked by a mostly dead, evil tree. We had purposely chosen to hug the deeper bank for a while in order to avoided getting beached on a shallow bar in the middle of the %#$@%^#% river. The current took us right into the tree. Josh grabbed large branch to slow us, let go of me and said "keep going because if I let go it's going to hit you!” I did. He let the branch go, and he was gone. By the time he had once again recovered his tube and had caught up to me again his spirit was broken, his teeth were chattering and he was in a bit of pain. But it was almost over, right?

Chap 8: Officer Buttface
Every bend we came to we silently begged for the end. And when I saw it I didn't care that I had to slam my body into a sharp rock to stop myself or that I had to, yet again, climb another steep bank in my suit. By the time we got to the top I half expected people to be there waiting with awards or medals for our success in finally making it - or maybe just a bouquet of flowers or a congratulatory hug. Instead we got hassled by law enforcement peeps who were apparently charged with the noble task of leaning against a fence and heckling the broken, yet lucky members of the public who made it back. "You know you have to have a life jacket to be in this river!?" "We could give you a ticket, there are signs everywhere." "Get off the train track - that is federal property, that's against the law!" At least that is what I thought he said. However all I really heard was "I am a sad little man who was picked on in high school, who dropped out of college but needed to find some way to conjure the illusion of power and dominion over others to make up for my colossal failures in life so I became a typical jackass cop. But even though I wear a badge I am afraid of real criminals and would rather intimidate and harass river-floaters and small children." I fought the urge to say “Officer, are you going to take me in? No? Ok, then kindly shut your hole.”


Chap 9: Sunburns and contusions
We found the rest of the group not long after. Courtney, who had on river shoes, experienced a crash and burn early on and had called it a day then and there and got out of the river. Dave, finding that the trusty river trail that we were on ended about a half a mile down, had turned around and walked back and was picked up on the road by the more fortunate part of our group. Yes, there were some who made it down without a scratch. They were the same friends who couldn't stop laughing when they saw our make-shift shoes. They wanted to stay in the canyon and have a bonfire later that night. But we were out of there...I don't even think we said goodbye to anyone. Walking was painful, I had half of my big toenail broken and dangling, Josh was limping and Dave was sunburned beyond belief. We drove in silence for a long time. And when we stopped to eat we inhaled our dinner. It wasn't until later that night that I realized that almost exactly a year ago to the day I was stung by a stingray on a California beach. Give me that damn river any day.

I do.....

Last month I was in Texas, alone at a fancy resort on a work trip. I had to stay at the resort since every hotel downtown was full which is why I got so cozy with cab drivers. Nonetheless, I was pretty bummed because I was in this amazing place alone so I figured I really couldn't have the experience that is traditionally intended for resort-goers. Anyway on my last night there I got done early at work, went back to the hotel and decided to have a honeymoon for myself.
And I gotta say it is something that EVERY girl should do. I hiked the trail, went for an evening swim, walked the grounds, took an hour-long bubble bath, ordered room service, watched a Sandra Bullock movie and walked around naked the whole night. I did talk to my boyfriend for about 15 minutes but other than than it was all me. By the end of the night I had rejuvenated my love for myself.It was awesome and I could have done that a few more days. I highly recommend a solo vacay. My brother has done a ton and I always thought he was crazy and quite frankly a little weird, but I am down with it now. I am going to end the story right there because I don't want to go into how the feeling of bliss with myself was short-lived...how I missed my plane the next morning and how I was unable to get on a flight for the rest of the day. I am not going to tell you how the following night I was staying in a motel room that made me want to anti-bacterial-ize myself every two seconds, or how when I got on a plane the next day the right engine was on the fritz and we had to get off. I will spare you the story of how I had to get in a cab, along with three yuppies, and drive to Austin and then fly to Atlanta in order to get back. Telling you that getting back took two days and visits to four different airports in 14 hours would probably ruin the feeling of bliss during my self-honeymoon that I am trying to portray here. So I'll just end the story there.

The verdict's in....

It was rough. It was beautiful. It was gut-wrenching. It was amazing. Those of you who have read The Kite Runner, by the same author, know what I mean. Aside from being beautifully written, it was punctuated with historical events in Afghanistan through Afghani eyes. I learned a lot about what that big mess over there has been all about and it was hard to put down. But if you like reading about lambs, flowers and rainbows this book is not for you. Its raw, it’s real and it gives you a dose of what people over there have gone through – especially the women – and it is not pretty. There were times I was incensed, and there may or may not have been some tears shed. But there is light at the end - I tell you that because knowing that helped me get through it. I finished reading it yesterday afternoon and I went to the store that night and ran into a woman in a black burka (the thing women wear that cover their whole body and their faces). It was all I could do to not stare because I wanted so badly to hear about her life. I don’t want to make judgment calls on what her level of happiness is or quality of life might have been, but my heart certainly went out for her. After reading the book I have a new found gratitude for being raised in this country, in this culture. I can read, work, laugh, sing, wear shorts, speak to whomever I want and most of all put a man in his place when the occasion calls for it. Give it a read. And when you are done, give me a call and we’ll do lunch.