Oh Facebook, we need to take a break

12 months of status updates...

On the fourth day of Christmas..

Dave never fails to deliver.

Pimp Santa

Taken in Las Vegas last Christmas. If you can't tell, he was eating some kind of danish too. Not sure where he was headed, maybe to a mall to talk to kids, or maybe to the hood to smack up some hos. Either way, seeing this made my trip.

10 year old little liars...

So I woke up at about 5 a.m. this morning and it felt like the right side of my face was on fire. I couldn't lay on that side of my head and could barely swallow or talk. Long story short a few hours later I was in the doctors office learning that I had a Peritonsillar Abscess (a puss party on the back of my tonsil) and that they were going to pump me with pills and give me a shot in hopes to avoid having to go in and drain the thing. Like most people I'm not a big fan of shots but since I had put my big girl panties on this morning I figured I would have to be an adult about it - something that was made even more difficult since, showing up to the doctor's office as a "walk-in," they put me in the available kids room with brightly colored walls with kid drawings...

Exhibit A
But while anticipating and dreading my shot, and looking at all the drawings, I found comfort in 10 year-old Victoria's message..

Exhibit B


Well Victoria you are a little liar and if you did that picture for a class project I hope you got an F. I don't know what the hell kind of shot you are talking about but obviously it wasn't the slow, thick antibiotic shot that they slowly stick in your hip because that thing hurt so bad I wanted to punch a hole in the wall...and it continued to hurt way after I left. Let's face it Victoria you don't know what you are talking about and you..... never.... did. You were probably referring to some immunization shot you got when you were like five that you barely remember. You irresponsibly created and disseminated to the public inaccurate and false information. I hope your mother grounded you when she saw it or at the very least took you to get an educational tetanus shot. By my count you are probably due for one. In the mean time I have a tip for you. Next time you are asked to draw a picture about something you have no frame of reference on sketch a rainbow and a tree, maybe a few birds, and call it good.

Goodbye Fall

WTH - This is what I came back from sunny California to...


I guess it's time to say farewell Fall...it's been neat. I'll be honest, you aren't really my favorite, but you managed to show us a good time. We'll see you again sometime.

He must have liked it.....

Cuz he went and put a ring on it.

Dear Progresso....

I want to thank you for apparently selling your soul to the darkness in exchange for the recipe to low-fat, low-calorie New England clam chowder. I know that was the only way you were able to create this bowl of steaming creamy goodness and for that I will be forever in your debt.

You might say I am a little bit obsessed with clam chowder. Once I got soaked to the bone in a Virginia squall in exchange for a reputable bowl. I even returned repeatedly to a restaurant that made me sick in the past because their clam chowder was amazing and I refused to believe that it could be the culprit. But even after enjoying the most glorious of chowders, I later suffer from debilitating guilt due to the loaded fat and calories. But what could I do? I had searched for YEARS for a healthy yet decadent tasting clam chowder and always came up short. Well today all that has changed, thanks to you Progresso. I'm not going to say I wasn't skeptical. I mean a chowder that is only 2-points has GOT to be watery, tasteless and probably nothing chowder-like. But within the first taste, angels were dancing on my tongue and I knew my decade-long quest was over. Sorry about your soul, but I know millions will be forever thankful.

Sincerely,

Chowder Power

This time it was me....

I am a pretty good driver, and an even better parker. Working in downtown Salt Lake City for six years has shaped my skills so that I could probably give lessons on parallel parking. Ya, I'm that good. So good in fact that if I have a passenger with me and I am about to parallel park I can confidently say "watch, you'll learn something." And after I execute a perfect three point maneuver, I'm pretty sure they do. I remember back in college one of my friends/neighbors (I won't mention any names, Shinnick) who was the worst parker in the world. On a few occasions when she had parked with her car halfway into the road getting into our complex, I would bust into her apartment and make her go re-park. Call it what you want but when you're the best you expect the best. Well yesterday I had to be at work (a 40 minute drive from my house) at 7:30 a.m. I had had a late night Denny's reunion with some friends I hadn't seen in about 2 days, and was pretty out of it on the morning drive. When I got to the parking lot it was still dark and the lot was empty. I parked and then went to this event thing til the afternoon. When I was walking out to my car to go home, I was hit with a horror I thought I would never experience...... My first thought of course was WHO MOVED MY CAR??! But then reality set in and I understood the truth. That this abomination of a parking job was done with my own two hands (and foot). Me? Not me? I am the parking champion! Always have been. I couldn't have...I wouldn't have... After standing there dumbfounded I squeezed into the drivers side of my car, not before getting my bra under-wire caught on the top of my door, and sat there pondering whether or not I even knew who I was anymore. In time though, I realized it was the gods way of telling me that even legends falter from time to time. But even so, they are still legends.


(Forgive the paranoid blur out of my plates. A few years ago I had some threats, based on someone knowing the details of my car and a toothpick in my pocket, after I wrote a story that apparently upset them. For more details and hilarity on that see Amelia)

One more reason I regret those 46 candy bars I ate on Halloween

If you need motivation to not stuff your face this holiday season....
or
You just want to feel fat
or
You want to see what the Italian looks like that has been known to out-eat Polynesians like its nothing.
or
You want to see what determination, drive, ambition and hotness look in a single package that has taken multiple figure competitions......
I give you Angelina....


PS - Nope. Still can't kick my ass. And the one time when I was sore and sick and coming out of a Nyquil fix in college does NOT count.

$20 if you can sing the theme song to ........

This Halloween I fancied myself as a chubby brown Jem (or Hologram, whatevs)...

...whose boyfriend Robby, was also a rocker.....And then I sexually harassed a gladiator into taking his shirt off........and then made friends with a wolf and an apparently confused and paranoid, sword wielding Marilyn Monroe...

Hilarz

Thanks 2Fresh

I was there..... kind of

Last night around 7:15ish the last miner was pulled from the Chilean mine that had caved in and trapped 33 men inside back in August. I was at the gym on the elliptical, white knuckled and watching the whole thing. But in retrospect, I did some things I regret.

Did I cry when they pulled Luis out, the last miner and the so called hero of the group? Yes

Was I able to stop crying? No, not for about three minutes.

Did someone say something about my emotional display? Yes. And I responded loudly (because I knew she wasn't the only one that noticed so I wanted to make sure everyone knew that I wasn't crying for personal reasons because then I would be "that girl with the sad life" and no one wants that) that they pulled out the last miner and it was an emotional moment.

Did I respond a bit overly annoyed when she said she had no idea what I was talking about? Yes, and I even said "seriously?!" rolled my eyes and pointed out it has been on the news for straight two months.

Did I then go into a long explanation of the situation and why it was so intense and emotional? Yes, and then I acted annoyed again when only one person acted like they cared.

Did I then cry again a few minutes later when the Chilean president was lovingly looking at Luis and thanking him for his heroism? Yes.

Do I wish I could take back those actions and/or avoid seeing those three women and weird dude that was probably only agreeing with me so I wouldn't cry any more? Yes.

Can we talk about skinny jeans?

Boys:
Don't do it. Ever.

Thin Girls With Trim Legs:
Do. I'm not going to hate on you. You guys can pull off anything and make it work for you so get on with your bad selves.

Girls who don't have petite model bods:
I am not just popping off here. I have read what fashion experts have to say because I wanted to make sure that I wasn't out in left field. Indications are if you are "thicker, like sizes 12-14, "you can still pull them off but be choosy about which ones you buy." Woah wait. Excuse me? Size 12 is "thick??!!" Shoot. Vogue refused to acknowledge that anyone over a size 14 would even look at skinny jeans. Not that you should be a style slave to fashion magazines, but sometimes they know what they are talking about.

In short? If you're thick for real... Don't. Do. It. You are beautiful - true. A less than runway modelesque body shouldn't limit your style - true. But if you are strapping a tight pair of these things on when you can't pull it off it will straight up kill your look. Your cute bubble butt will look enormous, your deliciously thick and maybe muscular thighs and legs will look like tree trunks, and your hip width will be grossly exaggerated by the harsh taper. And you don't want that right? It's like bikinis. I, for one, cannot and should NOT ever even try to pull one off. Ever. But that doesn't stop me from rocking a hot halter one-piece at the beach. Hells ya. The same sentiment applies here. Do you, but do it right.

Sincerely,
A Concerned Citizen of Fashionia

The coolest thing I have seen since the 'Evolution of Dance' video.

Courtney, I know you are dancing to this in your office.

Why I know I am entitled to a GREAT weekend...

Because so far this week I......

Missed Trax and the express bus twice.
This means being forced to ride the regular bus where 4.6 seconds after acceleration I am soundly motion sick and then there are people with space issues, neck tattoos, and a handful that, on more one occasion, have openly had heated conversations with themselves.

Tweaked my shoulder working out.
I've tweaked a lot of things in my day but my right shoulder has proudly remained unscathed despite my glorious seven years of throwing shot-put. Streak broken.


Had to sit next to a BYU Spanish professor that had mind-boggling halitosis.
And I DO mean the worst I have ever wiffed. In. My. Life. I though my olfactory system was going to revolt and refuse me air.


My last working earphones broke.
Nothing here. It just sucked.

Broke a nail that I JUST painted.


..And was called "sir" on the phone. AGAIN.
No, I don't want to talk about it.

So convenient rational tells me I am going to have a kick A weekend. I'll let you know how it goes.


Update: It was.

Heard on the train this morning....

A guy was asking this guy sitting next to me the following series of questions. The guy took it all in stride and answered all of the questioners very enthusiastic inquiries. But I had to look out the window a few times to hide the laughter...

What time is it?
What's your name?
What kind of a phone is that?
Well now what kind of phone color is that?
Where did you get it?
Will you get me one like that?
If I dip carrots in dressing will it affect my weight?
Do you like Red Lobster?
Do you know how to make a roast?
With carrots?
Do they have clock radios at Walmart?
How much are they?
What colors do they have?
Will you get me one?
What's in your bag?
Why do you have a red Mt. Dew?
Will you take me to lunch today?

A Wendover Story......

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH...............




AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH........



UHHHHHHHHH.............


AWWWWW...............

We've been through a lot....

My plant Gloria and I have been through it this summer. We've had ups, we've had downs. She's had to deal with my occasional neglect and I have had to manage her excessive neediness. Well it all paid off yesterday when I found this little number. It's made it all worthwhile. Thanks G. I'll consider it an autumn gift.

Update: A damn cat ate the bloom. But another one is coming..

American entitlement. Guilty as charged.

People were ticked. and I mean just PISSED. I just got off the UTA express bus running from UVU in Orem to Sandy Trax, and you would have thought we just came from the veritable hell of the New Orleans Superdome after Katrina. The bus was crowded - as in standing room only - back to front crowded. Students had to take off their backpacks to allow more room to stand and were breathing sweet nothings in each others ears. True - I would think there would be some kind of a code against that many riders on a bus, but based on reactions I am pretty sure some people felt that their human rights were being violated. People were yelling at how UTA was turning a blind eye because it was Orem and not "Salt Lake." Man-boys majoring in economics were tittering about how bus officials were unfairly spending taxpayer dollars and middle-aged yuppies were bemoaning the risk of picking up "that flu-bug going around" with people in such close proximity to each other. And one guy some how got a hold of the intercom and asked passengers to "unite" and call or write UTA to let them know that "we won't stand for this!" Bear in mind this ride was only as packed for about 11 minutes until the bus arrived in American Fork where it emptied almost by half......

Cue flashback sequence......................

It took me back to about two years ago when I was in Fiji on a bus. The bus was about 48 years-old, for one, with broken glass on some of the windows. In the back there were a bunch of chickens in cages and wood planks replaced cushions on some of the seats. If the fowls didn't contribute enough to the stench on board, the mind-boggling B.O. from passengers in closed-quarters with no AC topped it right off. By the end of that bus ride not only was it packed but strangers were literally sitting on each others laps to make more standing room in the aisles...... And no one said a word. It was business as usual for them.

.................Back to present

Nonetheless, I am all about due process and conflict resolution. After my own seat partner got off the bus on our route's only stop between Orem and Sandy, I adjusted my personal overhead air-vent along with my absent neighbors, leaned against the shaded glass on the spotless window, opened my laptop, and while using the convenient on-board wireless the UTA express offers, I sent the transit authority an email suggesting an extra bus run to alleviate crowding. God bless America.

Boyz II Men ...II hotness

I am lame. I haven't been to a concert since Prince like three years ago. But what a way to make a concert comeback. The Boyz II Men concert was amazing. If I had been a touch closer I would have thrown my panties on stage. Believe it.

The next 25 of the.....

Ya, it has maybe taken me longer than I thought in this quest but I am getting there. Sprinkles and glitter for all!


26. Arrested Development - it paved the way for shows like The Office and Modern Family and was the best show on television before its untimely departure off the air.
27. People who say the word "splendid"
28. Zippo barbecue lighters
29. A good Mars Roll
30. Don Henley, circa 1989
31. The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
32. Amelia's HILARIOUS blog - ameliorateme.blogspot.com
33. McDonalds Hazelnut Iced Coffee - Thanks Ange for making me crave it fortnightly. You suck.
34. Bubble wrap
35. Super Mario Brothers. The first one. We just got it at my house. Changed my life.
36. Urban Campfires in my backyard
37. Colgate wisps. I have to discipline myself not to use more than two a day.
38. Lenny Kravitz. Love his style, love his bod, love his voice, love his music and LOVE his sexy.
39. 30 Rock. Laugh out loud hilarious.
40. Songs that can make me cry
41. Our new golf cart Jezebel
42. Guys that have a set of their own tools.
43. Simply Sushi in downtown SLC
44. Carlsbad State Beach
45. Costco Hot Dogs....to my everlasting shame
46. Toe socks in the winter. I don't like socks but Utah winters make them a must. But toes socks keep your feet warm while keeping your pigs free
47. RoundUp. Kills weeds on the spot
48. Rob Thomas Cradlesong Album
49. Butter Cream Frosting
50. Dayquil

Goodbye Summer. Thanks for having us.

Rated R for Sexual Situations

It's probably the sickest thing that has happened to me since the orange incident of 2004. But by sharing it and getting it out in the open I hope to release some of the horror that I am suffering through with the hourly flashbacks. Yesterday I was trimming the lavender in my flower beds (yes I am officially 65) and I looked down and saw two giant praying mantises having praying mantis sex on my forearm. Clearly they were exhibitionists because she was actively crawling up my arm with him on top. I freaked out and tossed them off. But from their dirty dirty deed they left this thick yellow-white mucus on my arm and right hand...and handle of my trimmers....and shirt... and shorts. It was every where. EVERYWHERE. And there was so... much.. of ..it. (Pause and deep breath) My stomach was turning and I wanted to scream but my neighbor was like 10 feet away getting into her car and I didn't want to cause alarm. But those dirty bugs just kept right on doing it. As my world was falling apart, still mounted, they started crawling up the side of the house, probably for maximum visibility for their sick voyeuristic bug friends. My silver lining, I thought, was that I would be able to see her rip his head off (as lore has it) after they were done. Nope. They just went about their business after. Damn progressives. Just be warned. It's the end of the summer and mantis love is in the air. If you see a mantis couple mounted flee immediately because I am pretty sure they are going to try and get you involved. And its NOT pretty.

Dear Jaywalking Pedestrians in Salt Lake,

You've been testing me for years and now I'm done. I will no longer be yielding or stopping for you as you traipse across the road without a care. Maybe if I didn't live four blocks away from Energy Solutions Arena (with Jazz games, concerts and other crap every other freakin night) and three blocks away from the Gateway Mall (idiot tourists and moron teenagers), I would have a few more years of patience left in me. But I don't. Today driving by the downtown Farmer's market I heard the audible snap of my patience. And now you are at risk. Even if everyone else stops and enables your inconsideration I will not. YOU will wait for ME, even if you have to stand there in the middle of traffic. And if you don't, and care to play chicken with a Dodge Stratus, well then may God be with you........ Oh and just so you know, most likely there will be a scene. I am not scared of the horn and I will be yelling at you to pull your head out and you will look like a fool. Good Day.

Sincerely,
I'm Through.

Playing Dress-up....lets hope

Remember Chuck Norris' Walker Texas Ranger show? I am pretty sure my Dad started the cult in "cult following" when it comes to that series (and probably Norris in general. Well remember his side-kick who was a black dude that wasn't quite as badass as Walker (of course) but could do round-houses with the best of them. His get-up was usually a bit tighter than Chuck's and his name on the show was James? Well tell me my brother who in sending me this photo authorizes me to publish it wherever I deem worthy, couldn't have been his stunt double with just a little more sun. Dad: another reason to be proud of your oldest son......

A Disneyland Story......

OOOOOOOOOOOOH...........




AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH........




UGH.......


RRRRRRRRRR........